hhmmm sometimes i wonder how some days in my life can be filled with so much laughter and giddy happiness and then suddenly when reach home, there's this sludge of gloom that spills all over that past feeling. meaningless! didn't i have fun just now? didn't i laugh till my lungs tire? what more am i hoping for?

i blame the sappy movie i watched. i want that andrew paxton in my life for a moment. i know i don't want it for long. i never want anything nor anyone for very long. i'm happiest buried and books because it makes me feel more intelligent and revel in that. i do. i'm ashamed i'm such a geek but i'm proud i can do it.

i've not found what i'm passionate about. i don't know why the beatles split nor when. but i do know they sang around the hippie era. i don't know who's the latest 'it' designer and i don't know if i'm actually concerned about the punk movement or whatever started it. i have ceased to try and categorize music, knowing only i do not favor hip-hop. i won't even get started on movies because they're all so unrealistic and tend to fall short.

i can let you watch me devour, breathe and swallow whole a book in one go but i won't be able to properly tell you the story. i can ruminate about an issue for a very long time only to never get off the fence. i can spew a truck load of nonsense but that's not what i want.

i don't think i've found myself. or if i ever will.  ¶ 11:26 PM