n e e d u im paranoid and i cannot help it
i fear the day when the two of us would meet or something or other
its all so wrong
what have i done?
and all i've tried to do is make things right for them
because i know how hard it is to let good friends go
and how much harder it is to come to terms with situations

i need my naddie so bad im crying
naddie!!! im lost lost lost lost lost!!!
where are u? when will u be back?

this is so confusing.
i hate people pre-judging me
and well im a girl i know and can feel the hate
no matter how much reassurance one can give
the eyes the little whispers and the glances
things like not wanting to be in the same place with
it all adds up
its not like i willed it to happen
im so sorry but it did
i never meant it to be this way
and that misunderstanding of words
that just made it a whole lot worse
i cannot believe it
just looking at u gets me threatened
for reasons i cannot explain
its not like.. i meant to do it
and doesnt one go green?
if it pops out from nowhere
when u least expect it
it makes me go green and blue and black
all at once.
its like falling from a thousand storeys
the whole mood to be fun is gone


yes i am involuntarily and inconspicuously threatened by stuff
(which in the first place shouldnt be the case)
just looking at that one thing makes me feel weak and defeated
how can i live up to that?
pedestal, every other time, thinking maybe, caring that little bit more, the fact that there is a little something 5 years back..
and maybe the irrational fear that maybe, just maybe, that the drug is still as addictive as ever.
or maybe even more.
yes that's the worse..
and surely somehow one might feel, with all of another's bad habits and all of that shit, that the alternative.. no, original.. wasn't so bad at all.
but it was so.. sigh. i don't know.
thinking to much about this issue. it worries me. very very much. to the point of paranoia.
but look, if i feel defeated by that one thing being there. just being there... what if..?

WHY AM I MAKING MYSELF SO CRAZY?  ¶ 4:31 PM